There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
