Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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