Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
