Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
