Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
