I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
