In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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