i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
