he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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