I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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