i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
