vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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