Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I supernannyed him into submission
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
