atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
