she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
