I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Someone came in the potted fern
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
