I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
