Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
