I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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