I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
