I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
pop tarts are not kleenex
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My life is pants optional.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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