I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
