What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The Olympian is in my bed
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
