wanna go halves on a baby?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
