I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
