I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
