your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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