i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
