how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
