The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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