"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
