hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
