can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
