I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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