Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
