I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I smell stomach acid.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
