Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
