Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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