i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
