Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
