You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
