I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
