i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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