what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
