please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
