I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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