Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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