Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
