Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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