i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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