Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize